LIES AND DILEMMAS
Oh boy. Was I surprised and confused. So many things came to my mind. There was no doubt that I would carry the baby. The other option didn’t even cross my mind. And I was also sure that I wanted to keep the baby. I witnessed a girl give up a baby for adoption and regretted it later. I knew then that I would never do that to my baby.
And the disgrace I have brought upon myself and my family. It’s true that a girl or woman getting pregnant out of wedlock was not that unheard of in Manila during those times, but Filipinos are mostly Catholics and premarital sex was still taboo.
At three months, my belly was starting to bulge. I was starting to show. I lived in a compound where all the residents were relatives of my boyfriend. I knew that I was already the talk of the town, in this case, the talk of the compound. You know, living alone by myself and my boyfriend coming to my place frequently.
I was always late for work and I wasn’t able to come in on Saturdays. A six-day workweek was just too much for me to handle. I needed rest. Co-workers have also noticed my paleness. They were concerned about my health. Mrs. Bautista, the owner of the pharmaceutical company that I was working for, offered to give me Vitamin B shots for free. Oh no, I wasn’t going to have any drugs injected in my body. Not with a baby inside me.
That’s when I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. Well, half of it. Actually, I told her a lie. A big one. “Remember that week I was off from work and I told you guys that I was going to Baguio with my mother? Well, I did go and also, my boyfriend and I got married in a civil ceremony that weekend. And now, I’m having a baby.”
She was so happy for me. And the girls in the accounting department were so excited when they heard the news. “Are you getting married at church?” “Are you changing your last name?” “My boyfriend and I are also planning to get a marriage license. How much did it cost?” These were just some of the questions that I was asked. And I answered them all with lies.
But I couldn’t lie to my neighbours. They knew the truth. As my belly grew bigger, I just dropped my head and lowered my eyes when I got of the house and people stared at me. Yes, I felt the shame. I should have married first before I got myself in that situation. I might have gotten pregnant in the heat of a moment but I loved the father of my unborn child. We had been together for five years but we were both not ready to get married. My mother was sponsoring me to go to Canada and I just learned that my papers were approved. There I was faced with another dilemma.
Should I go or should I stay? I was worried of leaving my boyfriend behind. Canada was so far away and we would be apart for a long time before I could sponsor him and we could be together again. What if he found somebody else, or what if I did? I knew we loved each other but I didn’t know how a long distance relationship could keep us together. And yet I also couldn’t imagine how we would financially support our baby. He was in school and unemployed. I was working but I wasn’t earning that much. I couldn’t even survive on my own income. I was still getting help from my mother.
I was anxious to leave my boyfriend behind. But my motherly instincts kicked in and I knew that it would be best not only for my child, but for all of us, if I went ahead and seek for greener pastures abroad.
